In memory of my brother Scott Bishopp.
The ocean is such a powerful metaphor for me who cries often, thinking about my brother who took his last breath upon its shore. As I walk on its sand, there is not a seashell on the beach that proves uninteresting to me. The wholes and pieces of shells are but symbols of souls in translation, my brother among them.
The waves of life allow us to walk among them, admire them, honor them and collect our special ones which appeal to our senses before the sand and their memory are wiped clean by high tides in a cruel irony, only to be scattered somewhere else in the sand the next low tide. We must believe the lives we loved and lost are in this unending suspension that is the tapestry of the shells which can use their color, shape and aura to attract the right person to them at the right moment in time.
The shore for me is a beautiful place for reflection and also a haunting reminder that sometimes, life deals storms unfamiliar and tragic which affect the living more than the angels or shells. The hardest part of an ocean view is the fact that my blood brother can no longer see a sunrise or sunset with his wife, sons, family or future grandchildren. This pain will never go away.
On this anniversary of Scott’s path into the ocean’s horizon, I now know what real loss feels like. It fucking hurts! I now know what it means to be weak and afraid.
I know what listless and paralysis of the mind feels like. I now know what therapy tries to do for you. I know alcohol doesn’t help but for a moment here and there. I have known internal resolve to fight against the demons that haunt me. I have learned that grief is another word for love. I know writing helps my grief. I know how just a hug or a word of understanding can mean the world to me. I now know what empathy is and how important it is to share unselfishly with others even if you’re torn up inside.
I realize I’m nothing without my family and need to find the passion and strength to emulate my brother’s kindness and spirit. I want to live to honor my brother.
In trying to move forward with my life and still be a person my family can be proud of, I keep in counsel with my brother. I am faithfully letting his spirit guide me or give me a symbolic thumbs-up. I don’t take for granted anymore the siting of a dragonfly on my Kayak, a cardinal staying around our campsite, a buck that makes eye contact, a gentle breeze when you’re fishing with your granddaughter or a magical seashell. I feel he is all around us. I have to believe he is all around us with purpose and love as only an angel can do
GW
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